Hospitalia, the Hotel Planet

Hotel Date 7c/W45/2025x

Captain to crew: Before we beam down to the Hotel Planet, please remember the Prime Directive: do not interfere. We check in like the natives., and leave their primitive lodgings the way they are. Do not, repeat, do not, suggest or imply that the benighted savages we’ll meet should cover their nakednesses.

Not all planets are clothing-optional.

Shoud we strip out of our uniforms during our exploratory sojourn on Hospitalia, Captain?

‘Did I pack a Space-Kini?’

Only if you, uhm, want to. And let's try not to run up excessive bills at the revolving alcohol-dispensation panorama deck. This is not a vacation. Repeat: not a vacation!

Package holidays render the crew listless, effete.

But sir! Sensor readings indicate a massive presence of bikini-clad native maidens! And boys! Damn it, we need a vacation.

‘This reminds of our adventures on Steamia, the Sauna Planet…’

What about Room Service, Captain? It's been Star-Eons since I had a decent hamburger.

‘Will the she-Natives respond to the controls?’

Up to you. Starfleet doesn't reimburse for such extras. Be aware that the local custom is to tip 15%.

Over-generous gratuities are a form of interference, therefore forbidden.

Fifteen percent? Is that all? Have the Hospitalians lost their minds? How are these menial peons expected to exist on such miserly gratuities?

“Gotcha, sir. Ten percent should do the trick.”

Don't let hyper-civilized humanitarian emotions dominate your intergalactic reserve.

“Fraternization with the natives is, however, permitted. Even encouraged.”

This seems contrary to all logic, Captain. Whither comes this insane command to travel and take lodgings in strange places where the local ways are not ours? Why can't we just stay in our cabins?

‘No Vulcan maiden would appear in public in such immodest garb.’

Captain, I just found out there's a juke joint active just off the lobby. Such establishments are known by the natives as discotheques.

‘Shades of our journey to Showerania, the Golden Planet.’

Set Phasers on Boogie. And remember that Universal Check-Out occurs at 11 a.m, Star-Time.

“Captain, the Hospitalian Boogie Beam would force us to get down!”

“And get down we shall, Spock. All the way…”